Author: daragh

Attachment theory is something I regularly incorporate into my work as a counsellor in Basingstoke and online. Most clients are unaware of what it really means, and some can be intimidated by the term, but attachment theory is nothing to be scared of. It is something we should embrace, such is its importance and value to psychodynamic theory. But what actually is it? This blog post walks you through everything you need to know about attachment theory.

Put simply, attachment theory is about the early relationships and bonds we have with people (generally our caregivers) and how these relationships lay the template for the way we relate to other people, the wider world, and ourselves. First developed by British psychologist John Bowlby, attachment is understood as the emotional bonds that we develop at a young age. Primary caregivers who are emotionally attuned and responsive to their child’s needs enable that child to develop a sense of security, which in turn lays the template for the child to explore the world with confidence.

However, if that emotional attunement isn’t there at a young age, the child receives a different message: namely, that their needs aren’t important, and that people cannot be trusted. This feeling sustains itself into adult life and shows up in one’s relationships with others. They have low self-esteem, always expect the worst, and struggle to maintain stable, healthy relationships – either with romantic partners or friends.

Of course, there are other factors at play when it comes to determining the emotional wellbeing of adults, by research has emphatically shown that the nurturance and responsiveness of our primary caregivers between birth and the age of around three has a powerful direct influence on our behaviour, thoughts, feelings, and development in later life.

As attachment theory continued to develop, it was determined that our early life experiences lead to us having one of four different types of attachment, which are as follows:

Ambivalent Attachment 

Due to poor levels of parental availability, these children become deeply distressed by a perceived abandonment, and as such refuse to depend on people to be there for them. They keep people at arm’s length and struggle to maintain close relationships, particularly with romantic partners.

Avoidant Attachment 

Avoidant attachment shows up with people who tend to avoid parents, caregivers, and other authority figures. This is often due to abusive or neglectful caregivers. These children learned at a young age that they will be punished for relying on a single individual for their emotional wellbeing, meaning they are reluctant to place too much importance on any one individual.

Disorganised Attachment 

This usually comes when a child has a parental figure with inconsistent levels of emotional attunement. Parents can stimulate both comfort and fear, which ultimately causes disorganised behaviour – sometimes confused, sometimes certain; sometimes warm, sometimes cold. These people may resist connection or crave it.

Secure Attachment 

The most common attachment style. Securely attached children feel comfortable showing affection and receiving affection from people in their life, along with seeking assurance and support at times of distress. They will, of course, be upset when separated from people who are important to them, but they will also gladly welcome them back when they return.

If you are curious to learn more about attachment theory and your own particular attachment dynamics, I am here to offer personalised, strictly confidential counselling in Basingstoke and online. Don’t hesitate to give me a call whenever you like!

If you are a parent with a child aged anywhere between 16 and 21, you will know what June means: exams, and all the stress that comes with them. We’ve all sat exams, and we know how daunting they can be. A measure of anxiety is understandable and to be expected, but for many children, the pressure can be too much, leading to problems like anxiety, depression, low self-esteem, and burnout. This is something I have seen come up frequently as a counsellor in Basingstoke and online in recent times.

As a parent, your intentions are, of course, grounded in love, but often we can make things worse for our children without even knowing it. To help you give the right kind of support to your child during this time, here are a few things to keep in mind as you navigate this stressful time.

Don’t Be Stressed Yourself!

If you, as a parent, find yourself demonstrating visible signs of stress and panic over your child’s examinations, how do you think that would make them feel? How can you expect your child to remain calm and focused if you can’t manage either as an adult? Doing so will create a feedback loop of anxiety that only makes the entire situation worse. Showing yourself to be calm, supportive, and in control of yourself will rub off on your child. As parents, we are always setting an example, and this is particularly important when it comes to managing the levels of stress in the home during exam season.

Encourage Them To Take Breaks 

There are some children who revise hard for their exams. And then there are those who revise like their entire life depends on it. Revision consumes them; they quite literally do nothing else, shutting themselves off from the outdoor world to the point where they forget to drink or eat. This is quite a common occurrence, and it can lead to burnout, high levels of anxiety, or even depression. As a parent, it is important to remind your child that breaks aren’t just helpful – they are in fact necessary for the best possible performance in exams. Arrange small activities – going for a walk, going to a cinema, etc. – that bring them out of their autopilot state.

Remember: It’s Not the End of the World!

If you have a child who is not revising as hard much as they could be, or not revising at all, there is a tendency among parents to berate them, impose rules, and make them feel like they’re not doing enough. Most of the time this has an adverse effect; children, as you would know, tend to do the opposite of what their parents say! Piling a load of pressure on them can be counterproductive; it doesn’t do them any good. If they don’t want to revise for these their exams, that’s ultimately their choice, as they alone have the power to motivate themselves. In these cases, it is important to remember that bad exam results don’t signal an end to the world. And the same can be said to those children who are revising extremely hard. Take the pressure off by reminding them that these exams will not define who they are – nor will they even seem important a few years from now.

If either you or your child needs some help talking through the stresses of exam season, I am here to offer friendly, confidential counselling in Beaconsfield Basingstoke and online and can offer a space to talk through your stresses and discuss your worries in a way that suits you. Feel free to get in touch with me at any time.

During my time as a counsellor in Basingstoke, I have seen some clients stay with me for extremely long periods, while others only come for two or three sessions. No individual is the same, and everyone has slightly different needs. It could be that a few counselling sessions feel like enough if you are simply looking for a place to blow off steam or process a specific life event. However, when it comes to making genuine meaningful changes to how you feel on a daily basis, two or three sessions isn’t likely to be enough. Which begs the question: how many counselling sessions do I actually need?

The answer, unfortunately, is that it varies from person to person. There is no specific timeframe for a ‘sufficient’ amount of counselling sessions, although sometimes counsellors recommend anywhere between six and 12 meetings as part of a ‘short-term’ counselling plan. However, while we can’t be sure how many sessions are enough, we can say that anything under six isn’t likely to elicit change.

The most important element of any counselling relationship is, well, the relationship – the bond of trust and mutual understanding you develop with your counsellor. It takes time to feel comfortable around a new person, and even longer to speak truthfully to them, and the reality is that it can be a few months before you begin to talk with complete honesty and feel capable of speaking about what lies at the core of your problem, whatever it may be.

Many people don’t realise that counselling is a collaborative process: it is a symbiotic relationship that evolves over time. That back-and-forth process is especially important in counselling, because the relationship that develops between counsellor and client is the main path I use towards gaining an understanding of the personal and interpersonal struggles in your wider life.

Counselling, in this sense, is an investment into your future. It is not easy work; you won’t see benefits right away, or even after a few weeks – a reason why many people stop after just three or four sessions. Persistence and curiosity are two fundamental aspects of a successful counselling relationship. You have to remain invested for longer than a couple of months for there to be actual progress.

Along with it being ‘too hard’, many people give up counselling because they simply cannot afford it, which is completely understandable. With rising energy prices, increases in National Insurance, and other economic factors, the idea of spending £300 on six counselling sessions is simply not viable for most people. However, if you do have some savings and are someone who experiences depression, anxiety, or any other issue that they care deeply about resolving, the money you put towards counselling makes sense. It is an investment into your own wellbeing.

If you are curious to know more about counselling in Basingstoke or online, give me a call or email at any time and I will get back to you.

If you are thinking about seeking counselling in Basingstoke or online, you might feel anxious about the process of getting in touch. The idea of sharing personal feelings with a stranger can feel daunting, and there are bound to be some nerves to start with. This is perfectly normal. 

You are not expected to speak completely freely to start with. Getting to that place takes some time, and that sense of comfort is the most important part of our work together. Developing that relationship – one grounded in mutual trust and understanding – is so crucial, because without it meaningful progress cannot really be made. To help you learn more about the counselling process before reaching out, here are three reasons why I place the client-therapist relationship at the centre of my work. 

Speak Truthfully 

Your sense of safety in the practice room – or over Zoom if you prefer – is something I always take care to cultivate during our time together. When we meet someone new, it is common to put up a bit of a mask, but eventually we get comfortable and start being more like our true self. This is also the case in counselling, and I take great care to be responsive to your needs, creating an atmosphere of unconditional positive regard that allows you to unapologetically be yourself. When you feel this way, you will feel more comfortable and be more willing to properly open up about your deep-rooted feelings and issues. 

Relational Knowledge 

A strong client-therapist relationship is not just important in terms of making you feel safe. It also has a directly practical therapeutic function. This is because, for many therapists, the relationship developed with a client over the course of therapy serves as the primary route towards understanding their wider interpersonal struggles and the resultant impact they have on mental health. 

During sessions, the therapist will learn about the client’s strategies for disconnection, as well as how they present themselves in general. Once these relational aspects have been identified, the therapist and client can explore the potential reasons behind the use of these strategies, giving them a clearer perspective on why they feel the way they do in social situations. 

Shared Decision Making 

Counselling is not just about being told what to do or not do. Working in this way is extremely limited, because the client will never develop the tools for self-empowerment that are key for overcoming issues like anxiety or low self-esteem. They may receive some comfort, along with some useful perspectives, but they usually won’t integrate these teachings into their daily life. 

Having a close relationship with your counsellor makes it much easier to be collaborative – to take an active role in the healing process. This is a much more effective form of counselling than simply voicing how you feel and being prescribed ‘solutions’. It allows you to feel more in control of your therapy. You begin to tap into your own inner potential for growth, which is such a crucial part of moving to a better place. 

If you would like to know more about counselling in Basingstoke or online, feel free to get in touch with me at any time. I would be happy to answer any questions you might have. 

One of the modalities I use within humanistic counselling is Transactional Analysis. This is a highly structured yet very accessible form of therapy that is designed to explore your personality, how this has been shaped by experience (particularly in childhood), and what this means in the context of issues like depression, anxiety, or other trauma-related problems. It has been shown to have a number of benefits, and this blog post walks you through three of them.

Structure Your Life Script

An important part of transactional analysis is mapping out your ‘life script’. This is formed by experiences from childhood that laid the foundation for how we think about ourselves. If your parents were stressed workaholics, for example, you may believe that you are not loveable and must always please others so that they will need you. These beliefs continue into adulthood and lead to the same problems occurring in our relationships and how we feel about ourselves. Transactional analysis allows us to look at this internal process and understand why our script developed in the way it did, ahead of using techniques to challenge and change our daily thinking patterns and replace them with new ones.

Be Kinder To Yourself

By giving clients the space to understand their life script and the internal processes that lead to certain ways of perceiving themselves, I encourage an atmosphere of kindness to oneself. Transactional analysis illuminates the extent to which we are mean to ourselves, along with the impact this has on our behaviour, emotions, and relationships with others. Having this knowledge about ourselves gives us greater autonomy over how we think, rather than simply accepting your unconscious thought patterns as inevitable.

Communicate Better

Transactional analysis claims that we have three separate ego states – parent, adult, and child. If one person is acting from an adult state and another person from a child state, communication can break down and cause issues between the two people. These ‘transactions’ happen all the time, often ending in a similarly negative way. Transactional analysis helps people become more mindful of their different ego states, enabling them to flow between them more freely understanding their influence on others. Over time, this will lead to more transparent, honest, fulfilling communication with others and, by extension, better relationships.

If you are interested in learning more about transactional analysis, or other forms of humanistic counselling in Basingstoke, Newbury, and online, feel free to get in touch with me at any time. I’d be happy to answer any questions you may have.

As a counsellor working in Basingstoke, Hampshire I understand that many people are feeling a range of emotions as the world embraces our ‘new normal’ following two years of lockdowns and COVID-19 restrictions. After such a long period of time, during which we have adjusted to a certain way of life, how do we navigate this different landscape? Naturally this question brings up some difficult feelings, and I am here to help you walk through them.

The first thing to keep in mind is that you are not alone in how you are feeling. So many people I speak with are anxious or worried about ‘returning to the world’,. Big social occasions, or even going inside a crowded shop or pub, can feel scary, which is only natural after these activities were taken away from us for so long. I am here to help you process these feelings and develop techniques for managing them as you navigate certain life situations that you may find stressful.

Another feeling that you may have is a sense of anger at a lack of control in your life. For so long, we were all instructed by the government to remain indoors – instructions most of us followed very closely. Now that we have been given freedom to go outside, all of a sudden many find themselves now being told what to do by their boss, namely return to the office, for no clearly viable reason. It is perfectly natural to feel angry at the lack of control you have over these decisions, and how they affect your wellbeing and pattern of life.

You may not want to go back to the office, or attend large social gatherings, yet there feels like there is enormous pressure to do so – from friends, from government figures, from your work. Amid all these forces, it can be hard to remain close to how you feel within yourself – what you really want.

If you are experiencing this kind of issue, or any problems relating to the ‘new normal’, from depression to anxiety to anger, I offer a safe, confidential, non-judgemental space to talk them through with humanistic counselling in Basingstoke, Newbury, and online. I am here to give you that space where you can express your honest feelings in a way that makes sense to you. Feel free to get in touch with me at any time.