Author: jaynehumphreycounselling@gmail.com

Boundaries define acceptable behaviour limits and are crucial for our well-being. Although setting boundaries can feel challenging or selfish at times, they allow us to maintain self-respect and dignity. In this blog, we’ll explore why healthy boundaries matter, signs you need better boundaries, and how to establish them effectively.

Why do boundaries matter?

Setting boundaries isn’t just about drawing lines; it’s about safeguarding your self-worth. When you neglect to establish appropriate boundaries, you inadvertently signal that your needs, time, and emotional well-being aren’t a priority. It’s like leaving the door wide open for mistreatment, criticism, and emotional exhaustion.

Unchecked, this erosion of self-worth can gnaw away at your ability to nurture positive relationships. Imagine it as tiny termites nibbling at the foundation of your emotional house. It’s essential to recognise that boundaries are your protective fence against this slow decay.

Now, let’s flip the script. When you articulate clear boundaries, you’re like a skilled diplomat negotiating terms. You communicate what’s acceptable and what’s not within any relationship—whether it’s personal or professional. Saying “no” when your energy is depleted? That’s your boundary in action.

These boundaries stem from a deep self-knowledge—the kind that comes from knowing your core values, priorities, and dealbreakers. It’s like having an internal compass that guides you toward confidence and self-assuredness.

Establishing boundaries isn’t a walk in the park. Sometimes it feels more like climbing a mountain with slippery rocks. You might encounter resistance or guilt trips from others. But fear not! With practice, you’ll stand firm in your convictions, expecting respect while offering dignity and care.

And guess what? By setting boundaries, you’re teaching those around you how you expect to be treated. It’s like saying, “This is my standard; meet it or step aside.”

Signs you may need to review your boundaries.

Recognising Boundary Clues: Ever catch yourself saying “yes” when you really want to shout “no”? That’s your first clue that boundaries might need a little TLC. Sometimes we overcommit because declining feels as though it’s not an option.

The Quiet Upsets: Picture this: someone says or does something that sets off fireworks in your heart, but you keep quiet. It’s like swallowing fireflies instead of speaking up. Boundaries play a starring role here.

Resentment and Demands: Lacking boundaries can lead to a slow-burning resentment. Loved ones demanding your time and energy? If it feels like they’re siphoning your life force, boundary issues might be at play.

Fatigue and Burnout Signals: Extreme fatigue and burnout? Your personal bandwidth needs protection. Chronic overextension drains your emotional and physical reserves.

Rocking the Boat (or Not): When someone criticises you or tries to control your actions, how do you react? Weak boundaries can lead to either internalising mistreatment (believing you deserve it) or becoming super cautious.

Setting Healthy Boundaries.

The initial step involves cultivating self-awareness. Understand your core values, priorities, and needs as this knowledge will help your communication with others. Once you have clarity about who you are, expressing your boundaries becomes easier.

Seeking counselling can provide deeper insights into your self-awareness and how it aligns with your personal boundaries.

When sharing your boundaries, opt for an assertive manner and use “I” statements. As an example, say, ‘I need an hour on my own after work before chatting’ or ‘I can’t help you with that, right now.’ This approach ensures that your communication is straightforward and non-defensive.

Keep in mind that boundaries can be flexible. Instead of setting rigid ultimatums, leave space for compromises or exceptional circumstances. At the same time, establish some basic expectations with friends, family, or colleagues. When you decide to push your limits, do so consciously rather than feeling pressured.

Of course, transitioning from always saying ‘yes’ to setting boundaries can feel overwhelming. Instead of trying to tackle everything at once, consider starting with one or two manageable changes. These small steps will help you achieve realistic goals. For instance, try only answering work emails during office hours or prioritising your ‘down’ time.

Consider seeking support from a therapist as they can help you explore the root causes of any boundary-related struggles and help you foster relationships based on mutual respect. Feel free to reach out to me to schedule an appointment – I’m here to help.

After the chaos of Christmas comes the reflection of the year that has passed and long before we’ve eaten all the leftover turkey, our thoughts turn to the New Year and how we are going to do things differently. How next year is going to be bigger, bolder, brighter, happier and healthier.

We all feel the pressure to look back on our lives and examine our perceived faults, which if you struggle with your mental health, can just make matters worse. Are we putting too much pressure on ourselves from the word go? And are we just setting ourselves up for failure?

Pressure on ourselves

As we move from one year into another, there is a tendency for us to go all out and try to fundamentally change who we are, immediately. Negatively reflecting on our lives can lead us to set unrealistic expectations for ourselves, with goals that are impossible to achieve. There is no problem with goal setting. In fact, setting yourself achievable goals is a great way to make positive changes in your life. But, putting pressure on yourself to make grand, wholesale changes to your life at the beginning of a new year can do more harm than good.

The first thing to remember is, you don’t have to make huge changes just because the date has changed. Try to avoid succumbing to the societal pressure of unachievable resolutions. Accept the fact that people who set New Year’s resolutions are more likely to fail than at any other time of the year. But if you still want to use the New Year as a time to reflect and focus on self development, then try to be realistic. You could set yourself small, manageable, short term changes, that you can achieve and then expand upon over the year.

For example, if you want to lose weight or get fit, focus on cutting out sugar from your diet, or losing 5lb rather than setting yourself a huge unattainable goal. You could set yourself the goal of walking three times a week, rather than hitting the gym or running a 5k. By setting yourself smaller, achievable goals, you can feel the reward as you achieve your goals and set new ones moving forward.

Pressure on our relationships

The New Year is also a time when many people take stock of their relationship and set goals for how they want their relationship to change. However, reflecting on your relationship after the Christmas and New Year period can mean that your perception of your relationship may not be a true reflection of your reality.

The Christmas and New Year period may be a stressful one for many relationships; the pressures of hosting, family dynamics, travelling, visiting relatives, financial pressures and spending more time together than usual may lead you to make snap judgements about your relationship.

Accept that the New Year may not be the best time to reflect on your relationship. It is probably best to wait until your lives return to the normal everyday routine before you focus on the aspects of your relationship that you’d like to change. That way, you can be clear that you are focusing on changes you want, rather than just reacting to the last few weeks of the previous year.

If you would like personalised help to manage your stress, anxiety or any other feelings associated with the New Year, I offer confidential counselling in North Hampshire or online . Please give me a call or drop me an email.

Going to school for the first time or back to school after a long break can be a challenging and stressful time for both children and parents. Children may experience anxiety, fear, excitement, or sadness as they face new or familiar situations, such as meeting new teachers and classmates, adjusting to new routines and expectations, or coping with academic and social pressures.

Parents may also feel anxious, worried, or guilty about how their child will cope with the transition, especially if they experienced a challenging time during the pandemic, such as illness, loss, isolation, or financial hardship.

As a parent, you might want to support your child’s transition and help them feel more confident and comfortable. Here are some tips that may help you prepare for this important change in your lives.

Talk to your child about their feelings.

One of the best ways to support your child’s transition is to talk to them about how they feel, before they start. You can start by asking open-ended questions, such as:

• How do you feel about going to school or back to school?
• What are you most looking forward to?
• What might be different?
• How can I help you?

Listen attentively and empathetically to your child’s answers and validate their feelings. For example, you can say:

• I understand that you are feeling nervous/excited/sad/happy about going to school or back to school.
• It’s normal to have mixed feelings about starting school or going back to school, where things might be different to before.

Avoid dismissing or minimizing your child’s feelings, such as:

• Don’t be silly/scared/sad. There’s nothing to worry about.
• You’ll be fine. Just stop thinking about it.

These responses might make your child feel ashamed, misunderstood, or unsupported, and may discourage them from sharing their feelings with you in the future.

Help your child cope with their worries.

If your child expresses any worries or fears about going to school or back to school, acknowledge them and help them cope with them. You can do this by:

• Exploring the source and nature of their worries. For example, you can ask: What makes you feel worried? When do you feel worried? How does worry affect you?
• Helping them challenge their negative thoughts and replace them with more realistic and positive ones. For example, you can ask: Is this worry true? What evidence do you have for it? What evidence do you have against it? What is a more helpful way of thinking about it?
• Teaching them relaxation techniques, such as deep breathing, progressive muscle relaxation, mindfulness, or visualization. Practice these techniques with your child and remind them that they can use them whenever they feel anxious or worried.
• Encouraging them to face their fears gradually and acknowledging their success in managing change.

Going to school or back to school can be a tremendous change for both children and parents, but it can also be a wonderful opportunity for growth and development.

By following these tips, you can support your child’s transition to school or back to school and help them have a positive and successful experience. If you are finding the experience difficult and would like support through counselling, then please contact me, via email or call on 07941 518808. I can offer a safe space to talk about your feelings and can provide strategies to cope and move forward.

Sleep is essential for our physical and mental well-being. It helps us to recharge our energy, regulate our emotions, and consolidate our memories. However, many people struggle with getting enough or good quality sleep, which can have a negative impact on their mental health.

Sleep and mental health are closely related: living with a mental health condition can affect your sleep, and poor sleep can affect your mental health. For example, people with depression may experience insomnia or hypersomnia (sleeping too much), which can worsen their mood and motivation. People with anxiety disorders may have trouble falling asleep or staying asleep due to racing thoughts or worries, which can increase their stress and fear. People with bipolar disorder may have disrupted sleep patterns due to manic or depressive episodes, which can trigger mood swings and impair their judgment.

Poor sleep can also make us feel physically unwell. Lack of sleep can also impair our cognitive functions, such as attention, concentration, memory, and decision-making. This can affect our performance at work, school, or daily activities, and reduce our quality of life.

On the other hand, good quality sleep can have a positive effect on our mental health. It can help us to cope better with stress, emotions, and challenges. It can also enhance our creativity, learning, and problem-solving skills.

Good quality sleep means getting enough hours of sleep (usually 7-9 hours for adults) and having a regular sleep schedule that matches our circadian rhythm (our natural body clock). It also means having uninterrupted sleep that cycles through different stages, including REM (rapid eye movement) sleep, which is important for processing emotional information and forming memories.

There are many ways to improve our sleep quality and quantity, such as:

• Having a relaxing bedtime routine that helps us wind down before going to bed. This could include having a bath, reading a book, listening to soothing music, meditating, or doing some gentle stretches.
• Avoiding caffeine, alcohol, nicotine, and other stimulants that can interfere with our sleep. These substances can make it harder to fall asleep or cause us to wake up during the night.
• Limiting screen time before bed, as the blue light from devices can suppress the production of melatonin, a hormone that regulates our sleep-wake cycle. It’s best to avoid using phones, tablets, computers, or TVs for at least an hour before bed.
• Making sure our bedroom is comfortable, dark, quiet, and cool. We can use curtains, blinds, earplugs, fans, or other devices to create an optimal sleeping environment.
• Exercising regularly during the day, but not too close to bedtime. Physical activity can help us feel tired and reduce stress levels but doing it too late can keep us awake.
• Seeking professional help if we have persistent or severe sleep problems that affect how we’re feeling.

Sleep is not a luxury, but a necessity for our mental health. By improving our sleep habits and quality, we can enhance our mood, well-being, and resilience. We can also prevent or reduce the risk of developing mental health problems or worsening existing ones.

Sleep well and stay healthy!

Trauma-informed therapy is an approach to healing that recognises an individual’s unique experience of trauma and is designed to help them build resilience and emotional regulation. In this blog post, we will discuss the benefits of trauma-informed therapy, how it can help those who have experienced trauma, and how to overcome any barriers to getting the right support.

What Is Trauma?

Going through very stressful, frightening or distressing events is sometimes called trauma. When we talk about emotional or psychological trauma, we might mean situations or events we find traumatic and how we’re affected by our experiences.

Trauma can be caused by a range of events such as abuse, neglect, violence, accidents, and disasters and can have a lasting and powerful impact on our emotional and physical health.

How Does Trauma Affect Your Mental Health?

The effects of trauma can be wide-ranging and affect your mental health, emotions, physical health, and relationships. Symptoms can include disturbing memories or nightmares, flashbacks, feelings of guilt or shame, and a sense of being powerless or unsafe. You might feel rejected, hurt, abandoned, or humiliated. Sometimes, trauma can lead to complex trauma, which can make it difficult to cope with day-to-day life.

 How Can You Help Yourself?

It’s important to understand that the symptoms you experience are normal responses to a traumatic event, so most importantly, be kind to yourself. You are not weak or flawed because you are struggling to cope. In fact, it’s a sign of strength to recognise that you need help and to seek it out.

 How Will Trauma-Informed Therapy Help?

 Trauma-informed therapy is a type of therapy that can help you heal from trauma by providing a safe, supportive, and non-judgmental environment.

In trauma-informed therapy, the therapist understands how trauma affects your mind, body, and emotions, and is sensitive to your needs and experiences. The therapy focuses on your strengths, resilience, and capacity to heal, and tailors treatment to your individual needs.

Initially, your therapist will offer stabilisation techniques and practical exercises to help you support yourself with the difficult feelings you are experiencing. They may also offer psychoeducation so that you understand some of the  symptoms of trauma. This will help you feel more in control and understand that your reactions are normal responses to abnormal events.

Your therapist may use a variety of approaches such as Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT), Talking Therapy, or Dialectical Behaviour Therapy (DBT) to help you work through your trauma. The therapy may involve exploring your emotions, identifying negative beliefs about yourself and the world, and learning new coping skills to manage anxiety and stress.

How To Overcome Barriers To Getting The Right Support

However, it’s not always easy to get the right support. There might be barriers that prevent you from accessing trauma-informed therapy, such as cost, availability, or stigma. You might feel ashamed or embarrassed to talk about your trauma, or fear that it will be dismissed or not taken seriously.

It is important to seek professional help if you are struggling with the effects of trauma and to find a therapist who you feel comfortable with and who has experience with trauma-informed therapy.

It’s also important to recognise that recovery from trauma is a process and may not happen overnight. It takes time and patience to heal, and there may be setbacks along the way. Be gentle with yourself and don’t give up on seeking the help you need. You deserve to feel safe and supported, and with the right treatment, you can overcome the effects of trauma and live a fulfilling life.

It’s that time of year again when we are inundated with images of the ‘perfect’ Christmas. From the John Lewis advert to TV shows and Christmas films, there is a huge pressure on us all to have an amazing Christmas. But what with planning the Christmas meal, the pressures of hosting, family dynamics, social events and gift giving, that pressure can leave you feeling stressed, anxious and burned out before the festivities even begin.

Here are just a few ways to help you cope with Christmas anxiety, so you can enjoy rather than endure your festive period.

Family Stress

The adverts show us images of perfect families, all getting along, laughing and smiling, having the time of their lives. Accept that just because it’s Christmas, family friction and arguments are not going to go away. Try to have realistic expectations about what could happen.

Have a clear plan for the Christmas period, especially Christmas Day. Managing and coordinating who will be arriving on what day may help to keep certain family members apart and reduce tension. Be realistic about how much time you spend together, and if needs be, break up the tension with some games or activities, or a nice long walk. Stick to your plan and most of all, be realistic so you don’t end up disappointed.

The Pressure of Hosting

Don’t feel pressured to accommodate everyone at Christmas. It is your time off too. So, before you invite everyone and end up cooking for 20, think carefully about how much you can actually achieve without it becoming overwhelming.

Don’t be too rigid about family traditions, especially if that tradition always ends up with you feeling stressed out and anxious. Change things up so you can enjoy Christmas too. You could delegate more to tasks to your family in preparing the food, decorating the table, or organising drinks etc. You could also get different family members to take responsibility for a course, which will take some pressure off you. You could even decide to eat out at Christmas, which would mean that you could enjoy the day too.

Financial Strain

With the current cost of living crisis, never has it been a better time to pull back on the reins of Christmas spending to save money and prevent unnecessary financial stress. Many of us fall into the trap that we must get everyone the right gifts otherwise Christmas will be ruined.

Plan your spending well in advance, have a budget and stick to it. Some people even go for Secret Santa with family members, with a limit to how much you can spend. This is a great way to prevent overspending plus it is always a lot of fun seeing what people have bought.

Look after yourself

The most important thing you can do to prevent stress and anxiety spiralling out of control at Christmas is to look after yourself. With so much to do, it’s easy to burn the candle at both ends but getting enough sleep is really important.

Try and eat well, not just living on a box of celebrations and your gran’s mince pies! Eating healthily will help you stay balanced.

Try and get regular exercise, whether that’s a family walk, a morning run or squeezing in a few trips to the gym.

Take regular breaks from the pandemonium of preparation. Step outside for some fresh air, have a quiet lie down for 10 minutes, practice some breathing exercises or some mindfulness strategies. This will help you to stay calm and on top of your worries.

Lastly, make sure you build in some you time, whether that’s taking a long hot bath, finding a cosy corner to read, have a hot drink and relax. No matter what you feel you need to get done, building in some ‘you’ time will help you cope in the long run.

If you would like personalised help to manage your stress and anxiety, I offer confidential counselling in Basingstoke or online . Please give me a call or drop me an email.